monday, 5/13/02
so, this is a rant about my Finnish stalker. that means he's from Finland, asshole. anyways, his name is holle & he's the greatest stalker i could ever hope to have. this rant chronicles our "budding relationship" from the beginning.

this is the first email i got from him:

From: "stalker_holle"
To: "miss messy stench"
Subject: Narf?
Date: Tue, 23 Apr 2002

Stalking contact #911-F-69-SEX

I was flying my batplane over you post office and I spot you and took a picture. (See pic Messyland).
You are standing next that car. Wearing blue jacket. See that?
Why don't you take over that triangle block and claim it as Messyland.
It might souds great on╩your business card "Queen of Messyland, traitors will be executed, chop chop!"

My batplane landing area is in that island on that smaaal pond close by my apartment (See pic Holleland). Actually that island turns over and my batcave is in there. I need a maid to clean it up. Interested for that job? Complimentary bats available. I could pay with fresh ducks. Let's say 2 ducks a day enough?

Another job opportunity is a capitains job, when I turn my boat to pirate ship. You must bring your own parrot!. Do know how to operate a cannon? Profit 50/50?

We have that huge carnival on scandinavia called Vappu on first day of may. Biggest celebration is done night before. Everybody is drunk and sleeping in bushes, drinking and throwing up on streets and cops do nothing! There are just too many persons out there,╩cops only watch for criminal actions.

In europe, night life is always in the downtown. Sometimes they close main streets for this carnival, to prevent car accidents.

Another national big drunking party is mid summer fest at 23 of june. You have still time to catch it.

After one week I will stalk you better, if you do not fire me before that. Pleees keep╩my butt. Spank me, but keep me. (Or is spanking award?)

Narf, message out.
so i spazzed cuz' i picked up my mail that morning in duke's car, wearing a blue coat and that WAS a picture of my neighborhood. but . . . i figured it was just CHANCE that he guessed all that.

or was it??

the next email made me piss my pantaloons, i was laughing so hard.
From: "stalker_holle"
To: "miss messy stench"
Subject: Nothing important
Date: Wed, 17 Apr 2002

This mail is not that funny, but I felt to write to you.

So how was bonanza weekend, got a good ride? Not fare I got none :(

I was wondering, about mile form my apartment is Fat Hilda, who need fans and writing pal.
They say if you have sex with her, you must stuck your dick on each fat wrinkle and when it comes out as brown move╩back one fat wrinkle.

As an engineer I should sove this matter to stuck on you or her.

Beauty Factor = 10 (1-10)
Distance╩= 3000 Miles
Funny & Smart Factor = 10

Fat Hilda:
Beaty Factor = 2 (Bucket ugly)
Distance╩2 Miles.
Funny & Samart = 1 (She can only say "More pork, dead or alive")

So formula must be:

Beaty Factor^3 * Funny Factor^3

You got 3333.3 points
Fat hilda╩got 32 points

So I guess I will stuck stalking you. Messy Stench!

My nephews are in that age that they want strange stuff. Now they wanted FBI patches, so I create them those.

I made one for you too, just print it in╩right size and laminate it.
Note that╩it says╩FAKE bureau .... so it is not illeagal.
That barcode says "MESSYSTENCH"

sometimes he just send me fun stories . . .
From: "stalker_holle"
To: "miss messy stench"
Subject: One story
Date: Thu, 25 Apr 2002

Yeeeeiiiiiks.. now you scare me, but I lovva lovva lovva my calender girl.

Like I sad I╩'m gonna be busy for couple days, but here is one story. (sorry aboud bad enklish)

Ok, This is what happened couple years ago. I swear this is true!
We planned to have a fishing trip, just four guys, no girls. Destination was 100 miles from home, a camping area with cottages. We expected that cottage for 4 persons would be great, but why it was so cheap? When we arrived the cottage was like 4 x 4 meters. I got claustrofobic. 4 beds, freeze, tables with 4 seats, was put in that small cottage! So we thank that guy who did select this cottage... (censored because of bad language) Later we tried to knock him down with strange alcohol drinks with pepsodent and stuff in it. We skip the fishing on that day, because the engine was stolen on that rented boat. So the drinking got started. We took couple beers and then we move on booze. Then my brother got horny and start looking for girls. He start knoking on other cottages doors. He sings elvis when he is drunk. So singing elvis left, every now and then we heard elvis. (When he sing only words "love me tender, love me temper, love me temper" he is about to pass out) He were gone for an hour. We others start playing card for money. Got bored and went out to search my brother. We found he and his desparate try: He was explaining to one couple that "Can we do it treesome?". We grab my brother and went back to cottage. By some odd reason everybody was staring us ... ? My friend had bug bite on his fore head and that start looking nasty. We start drinking more. After a while it was time to go to that small town next to that camping area. Imagine for four gus changing clothes at the same time in that small cottage, we broke 2 beer bottles and a radio. Only place in that town that was open was an outdoor danging place, for tango and waltz .. yammy! Ookay, if we like get laid we need to learn fast how to dance. We looked other ones how they did dance. Maybe the power of booze, we start thinking that we can dance that too. After million rejects everybody got someone to dance. My "elvis" brother was most drunk and he had about 50 years old woman as dance partner and he was still horny for her ???? Me and that buddy with bug bite on his face, got too drunk and step too many toes. We could not get anybody to dance with us anymore, so we went to dance tango together and we were kicked out, why? The waiter was best. We named he as "fungus ear". He was old and could not track what he was doing. He already asked from us that did he gave for money back, when we sat down at the table for the first time. Me and that bug head start walking towards to that camping area, but we forgot where it was. (No memory for couple hours)

Next thing that I was remembering was that we were playing pool for the money with some gipsy guy. We loose ofcourse.

We finally find that cottage. (Oh, I got the key to the door). My brother has trying to get in that gottage through a small window and had been stuck on that window. He did not see us. As evil mided guys we start talking with a low voice: "Hey is that a nice butt or what?" Bug head: "Oh yes it is. You first!". We start pulling his jeans down and we head loud screaming from him (Why? such a baby). He start kicking and got throug that window. We were lauging and heard that freeze fell down. (our beer!). Elvis get out with cucumber in his hand. (Good for fighting or what). He asked from us did we see two gus here. We point a direction and said that they were two swedish guys and he start running there (with cucumber on his hand). He was so drunk that he fell down couple times. No singing this time.

Me and the bug head start drinking more. The bug head start feeling bad. He was in the corned and I was bloking him. Suddenly he throw up, ON ME!. Most of it went to by shirt pocket. Uuuu it was a warm feeling .... I did not get mad and my buddy was sorry. Then my brother came back and ask, what the heck happened to me. I told that other of those swedish gus thow up on me. Brother said "In the morning I kill them, I'm gonna kill them"

Me and that bug head went to find a hose to clean up the mess. When we start cleaning, two couples went by and start looking up on us. Then I said to them that, this is our hobby. Then I spit to bug head and that spit went to his mouth, so he trew up again ....

Next day we did some fishing and did normal things and went to home.

At home that bug head start to swell up. His girl friend (now ex) did never belive that it was a bug bite. He looke like a boxer after an fight. So after several explantions, she was still telling that we had a big fight.
or gives me ideas for business ventures:
From: "stalker_holle"
To: "miss messy stench"
Subject: Messy Chicken Ranch - Smeghead
Date: Mon, 29 Apr 2002

Messy Chicken Ranch - Smeghead

Available services:

$99 Real Miss Messy Stench clone made out from Messy's tampoon. This bitch sucks really good.

Free Spank yourself with rubber duck.

$1 Fat Bertha does it all. Gasmask required.

$5 Blow your load to ungle Eugene's toothless mouth. Feels better when you keep your eyes closed.

$1000 Messys impotent treatment. Messy will use such a language that even 400 years old lepracons in Ireland gets hard on.

$19.99 Watch Messy dancing chicken polka with motor strapon.

$500 Watch Messy doing animals of your selection. Available animals: Porkypine, Redneck, Donkey, Boxin Kangoroo, Finn, Rubber snake, 101 Mosquitos

$99999 Miss Messy Stench special treatment will scratch your balls out and you will be smiling like an idiot for weeks is quarateed.

Messy's Dungeon is available for members only.

Sorry that original and Clone Miss Messy Stench at the same time is cancelled.
So far none has survived on that treatment.
Local funeral office had to work 3 days to get that stupid smile off the face and have big problem to fit middle section to the coffin.

Hungry? Try our roadkill special, just $3.99

Did you run out from sperm and still wanna hanky panky?
No problemo, buy a bucket of donkey sperm for $10 and you are ready to go.

Your truly, Holle.
he also sends me money to sponsor my internationally known radio show, craptabulous:
21 euro = 19.14 usd
comes over when i'm sleeping:
From: "stalker_holle"
To: "miss messy stench"
Subject: Clearing head.
Date: Fri, 3 May 2002

Right now I try to figure out your place layout.

Ha haa he hee. Im measuring in the night when youre sleeping ......... do hear the tape rolling out from tape measure..... iiiikkk ..... Is that a CAT? .... I'm getting hungry .................
but i just don't bring him over the edge, i guess . . .
From: "stalker_holle"
To: "miss messy stench"
Subject: Aaaarghhh
Date: Sat, 4 May 2002

It it strange that I have open my self so much up to some one stranger like you.
I guess that you have put a spell on me .... (but still no wet nite dreams about you, did you buy that spell on K-Mart?)
he gives me fun presents too:
From: "stalker_holle"
To: "miss messy stench"
Subject: I hate mondays
Date: Mon, 6 May 2002

I hate mondays and I even couldnźt see you at the web cam buhuuuu buhuuu ... by world is collapsing.

So watch you pictures╩in stalkers way╩and made rough layout of your house.╩(see attachment) How accurate? (Normally when people are exposing them self at home they are╩ignoring the backround ;)
I also wonder how I can make summer without your radio shows, so I put you face on my cell phone. (see attachment) Now I can stuck your face into my pants and use vibrator alarm ... maybe I need to buy water proof covers. Mhh.. that gives me for and idea, see your mail later this week It will wet your pants.
Meanwhile╩I will take boat to the lake. Whee heee ... wish you could be there with me.

Feeling lonely, Cheer me up, Holle.
promotes the hell out of my site - he made those banners to advertise my site on his:
I passed you name on tv in Finland (Cellural phone chat, thousands of viewers), I hope that catches some nerds for you. They do not show web site addresses.
tells me sweet little nothings in bad english:
PS. Youll' be my goddess and my inspiration what ever you do or look.
and then tries to correct them:
PS. I wrote wrong in my last mail, correct ps╩should be╩"PS. Youll' be my goddess and my inspiration what ever you do or way you look"
makes me pretty art:
From: "stalker_holle"
To: "miss messy stench"
Subject: Aaawww and mail pile is mile high, I this number 3 today?
Date: Thu, 9 May 2002

I was waiting for you to show up till 5 am. (9 pm in Chicago) I couldn't sleep for some reason???(Nothing to do with you)

Buhuu. I feel like in that Book/movie Lady Hawk, where girl was a hawk in the day time and guy was a wolf in the night time. They only see each others for a moment when the sun was rising/setting.

I draw a picture to piss you off (attchment). Ha haa he hee. Actually it is a "Messy" test if you are thinking that is "fine" or "not so bad" then you may be in fuckin love!
I think this relation ship gets too weird, but it's best thing to me for a long time. How was it? Stalker or target should enjoy about it? I hope that you╩or I find somebody soon, before my fingers gets numb and eyes gets dry for staring.

Is there a machine that makes spanking possible to╩other person via internet?

Your to spank for, Holle
he also fantasizes about me and various, household items.
From: "stalker_holle"
To: "miss messy stench"
Subject: Fun I hope.
Date: Fri, 10 May 2002

Ps.What is your summer plans? Are going to be╩at home at all? Are coming to europe in any change? Are sexually attracted╩for bugs bunny when he wears ladys clothes? How tall are you? Are you still looking frantically for newborns? I'm ready for you to use.╩I also like to practise to do them with you.

Pss I attch a picture. I use that method to practise, incase╩of that 1 out of million thing happens: I will have sex with you.

Desperatly stalking Messy, Holle.
but then i lost him:
From: "stalker_holle"
To: "miss messy stench"
Subject: I have to let you go
Date: Fri, 10 May 2002

I though that you was single. Now when i heard that you are dating duke macswoon.

I think I have "leave" you.

I had a HUGE crush on you.

I will listen your friday radio show and them I'm gone.

Take good care of duke.
butt . . .
he's back!! i had a talk with holle in chat and he's to be my friend. so stay tuned in the blog for further holle rantings.

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